So much for waiting....

I can't believe I wanted to wait till Septemeber to get this damn stone taken care of! When I left St Clares, I was like "I am NOT coming back! And I am NOT getting this stone taken care of for a loooong time!" Ha! I can't even believe what I am going thru. I lost 12 pounds, I can't eat, I feel nausea, my bowels are backed up, you name it. We're supposed to leave for the shore on Saturday but the thought of doing it makes me want to puke. The anxiety, fear and all these other emotions are swirling all over me. What if we go to the shore and I wind up in the ER there?? What if the stone comes down and I am no where close to home?? I guess you need to have lived thru the pain I lived thru to understand how I feel. FEAR. Real, pure, fear. So I brought it up to Joe that I think I should stay home. He feels helpless of course. He doesnt know how to help me, and that makes me feel so bad too, that he feels so bad. I hate what an effect the past month has had on all of us.

So now I am thinking I need to get this stone taken care of ASAP, whatever it takes. I am terrified of it, but more terrified of doing nothing. I just spoke to Cubelli's nurse, and she made me an appointment at 12:15 to come in and talk to him. Not sure what he is going to say, but feel relieved to be taking Step 1. Will update more later.

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Update: OK, went to see Cubelli, and I was so impressed with how he took his time to just sit down and talk to me. We sat and talked for about half hour, he gave me a quick exam to see if I felt pain anywhere, etc. He kept stressing to me how important it is for me to come out of this funk, he asked if I needed antidepressants, he couldnt believe how nervous I looked. I'm sure that is a nice way of saying "total wreck". He says I need to let the past pain go and just look ahead. I asked him, "How? How do I look ahead?? I still have this stone in me that has to come out and I can't think of anything besides that!" He told me I have to. The stone is going nowhere, he says. Go on vacation and have a really good time. try to relax. He has booked me for The Stone Center the week after the shore, so the week I am home, I will be heading once again to Newark. 50% of me wants to throw up when I think about going thru lithotripsy and the stent again, the other 50% wants to kiss him for making this slot for me. He told me he will look at the last stent I had and maybe there is a different one I can get that will be a tad more comfortable (I doubt it). I really, really have to get myself into the right frame of mind for this so I dont wind up back in the ER.

I also had an xray done today - he will look at it tonite and call me tomorrow - it was basically done to reassure me that the stone hasn't moved since my last xray, and I pray that IS what he tells me when he calls.