Trying to remain calm and focused

Heading to Dr. Rehberg this morming. When I originally made the appt it was because the panic attacks/hyperventilation, whatever the hell you call it, were still hitting. I am feeling better the past couple of days though and no longer want medication. So I am going in so she ould look at my damn ears which have been hurting for the past week and antibiotics have not helped. Not sure if she sees anything - I may have to go to Dr. Remsen. Anyway, it will be a good test for me. Every time I have gone into her office, I start freaking. Lets see if I an keep it under control today. Look down on me God and give me the willpower and strength!!



I did it!!!! I not only made it thru the appointment without having an attack, I even went to the library right after, AND THEN TO WALMART!!! WOOT!!! I know it sounds so silly but to really understand what I have been feeling and to know what an accomplishment this is for me, you'd really have to feel what I felt. I am fighting this motherfucker with no drugs!! I WILL NOT GIVE IN!

Jeez, its been awhile...

Update on me: I wound up going to the hospital to have the stent removed because after Dr. C. KILLED me trying to get it out in his office, it wasn't happening. :( So I went to St Clares that Thursday, was totally dehydrated, MISERABLE and in pain from Dr. C.'s "stabbing", and went to same day surgery. All went well, no pain afterward, and I'm stone free but now....

I have fucking panic attacks and anxiety! As IF things werent nuts enough. The Friday before the stent came out (Aug 1st), I was heading to St Clares for a last xray and all of a sudden, I felt sick and faint and couldnt breathe. I kept thinking about my breath, suddely I am hyperventilating on Kincaid Road, kids are in the back. I made it home...barely. EXTREMLEY shoken up. Made it thru Sat and Sun, finally Monday I saw Dr. Rehberg and told her what happened. Meanwhile, as I am telling her I am trying not to have a PA. I dont even know how I made it to her office, I was a mess. We both thought that the anxiety was over the stent coming out the following Wednesday, so she gave me an RX for Xanax and told me to come see her again if I still have it once everything is over. Total mess till Wednesday, then no stent coming out, then the hospital... Friday comes and yes, still trouble catching my breath. Saturday I head back to the doctor because now I have a sore throatt and my ears are killing me. Have problems breathing in office, pop a Xanax and walk out with an RX for antibiotic. Sunday we go to Jonathans birthday party, in the car I was freaking, get to the party, and again, attack. Another Xanax. So much for this being over once the stent came out. Monday evening I had trouble relaxing, and that was the last Xanax I took as of today, now 5 days later. It is SLOWLY getting a tad better, I STILL feel it coming over me, but I start breathing deeply, and focus on NOT hyperventilating.

Today was a great day for me. We went to go see Josie and I made it there ok!!! Took a nice walk while I was there, ride home also ok. I did it! One day at a time, right??

I've ordered something online from vitacost.com called 5-HTP. Its supposed to be great for all this, and I am happy because its natuaral and not an addictive drug. I have been FIGHTING taking the Xanax.

I am supposed to go back to Rehberg on Monday. I get a little nervous about it because for some reason I have an attack every time I go there.

Got my "date"

August 6th the stent will come out. Dr. C's office just called me to set up the appointment. Can you believe I am not looking forward to it??? I am so worried that I will be in pain after it comes out, not the "reaction" pain, but I'm worried a lot of stones will come out once the stent is out and THAT would be very painful. I have been straining and I do have some gravel but I dont think its anywhere near what I have in me yet. I think I will stand on my head later and try to get it moving. I do have some discomfort now, too, which I havent really had in the past few days. I went to the bank today and stood in the drive-thru thinking "Hurry the hell UP!!!!" because I was starting to feel the twinges in my kidney. Also, I do feel some of the pressure down thre too. It kind of feels like the last month of pregnancy, like something is hanging down funny. Otherwise, I guess I should just stop bitching, because it is going ok this time.

Saturday night I actually went across the street to A.'s house. She was doing a BBQ, and I had 1 1/2 frinks and 2 cigarettes. I know, I know, not a good idea but they were quite delicious ;)

I am still waiting....

...for the pain to hit! Ha! For real! Now, mind you, I am NOT complaining, but I am still in complete shock over how I have been feeling this time around. Completely opposite form last time. Now, I DO feel kidney pain, I feel the pain in my back, but I haven't needed to overdose on Percoset like before. Last night I slept the whole night thru and hadn't taken anything after 7:30. Sore, but manageable. The other thing is the whole stent thing. I can't FEEL this stent! How crazy is that? The last one I could feel every inch of it in me, it was painful and irritating, it burned when I peed, it effected me mentally, it was HORRIBLE. Maybe I was allergic to the material of that one?? I don't know what the deal is, but this one is almost non-existant, I wouldn't even know it was there if the doctor hadn't told me he put it in. Dr. Cubelli will be getting some tray of cookies when this is all over!

The Urelle has finally made my pee blue, so I guess its working. I had to add some Benefiber to my water yesterday to get myself going (and yeah, it worked!) I have passed a couple of brown stone fragments, all small, but again, even after 5 days, I didn't pass anything the 1st litho. I started passing the 2nd day this time.

So knock on wood - there is my update - lets just keep hoping it remains this positive.

Litho #2 was today

Of course my nerves were crazy. I kept telling myself that this was a good thing: I had made it thru vacation without the stone dropping and I was getting it done before it COULD drop. Getting jabbed 3 times while they tried to get the IV in was a bit nerve rattling to say the least. But I took a big breath, calmed myself down...and the next thing I knew I was in recovery. A bit slower this time to feel better. One ginger ale and three packs of crackers later, and a trip to the bathroom and I was on my way home.

Dr. Cubelli put a different stent in this time and knock on wood, it seems to be feeling a lot better than the last. I also got a prescription for Urelle, a bladder spasm medication that turns your poop and pee blue (hasnt happened to me yet though - I am sure the kids will be thrilled to see my blue poop lol) Took one pill so far - tomorrow I will start the three a day I am supposed to take.

Percoset every four hours is keeping me sane.

So far so good - pray it stays this way.

In OC

Its day 3 here - today s Monday and I am feeling good. Finally. My appetite seems to be back, I am going to the bathroom (i Know, TMI!), starting to feel better mentally and physically. My side has its moments of pain but the past day has been really good. Hit the boardwalk yesterday, was able to walk for a few hours, kids are having a blast!!!!

It was definitly the right thing coming here.

Today has been better

Slept well last night - still have some diarrhea, I'm assuming from the dye. But its been a good thing because it cleared me out and got rid of that pressure. I am trying to be positive. Today has been better, I actually put makeup on today, lol. Joe has been so supportive, and reassuring, that all will be ok, and he is right here with me. The kids have been great too. They make me feel better and I need them to keep me grounded.

Tomorrow morning we leave for the shore. Hoping God is looking down on me and keeps that damn stone right where it is until I get in on the 17th.